Jack Handy — “When a child asks me why it rains, I tell her, ‘God is crying, and it’s your fault’”
The government wants you to know that something bad is happening to the weather, and it’s your fault. That’s great news! At first I was worried about the poor in my neigborhood. But I realized that I should be worried about Katrina instead. Then I realized I should be worried about the dot-com millionaires stealing body parts from the have-nots in China.
Now I realize that all of these things are naught if the ice caps melt. I’m not sure why I need the ice caps, but Dawkins Kamen-Gore can’t be wrong. Scientists are even holier than Tenzig Falun! I trust everything a scientist says, as long as the scientist is annointed by Dawkins Kamen-Gore! The only ethical thing to do in life is to chill out and try to reduce the global temperature, man! Who needs the fountain of youth when all these humans are messing up the planet? She’s your mother, dude!